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TNT BEER *** (3/5 stars)
Brewed right here in PG!! After drinking myself half retarded off these I liked the idea that I was saving a couple bucks that I would have had to spend on real beer. Chugging copious water in the morning was necessary for my survival, and for the restoration of regular breathing patterns. Nice work boys, your brew got me inebriated for 7 clams!! After the papillae on your tongue corrodes it tastes pretty damn fantastic.
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Max Bull Strong Beer 5/5 stars *****
Max Bull Beer
You can have a 40 of it, forgot your name and where you live. It erases your memory while slapping you in the face at the same time. Only for those with the liver of the fighting Irish!
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The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon. ***** (5/5 stars) jj * (1/5) stars
In this lively sports outing, a Philadelphia garbageman with a natural gift for football ends up the star of his city's pro-football team. Life is good until he gets a swelled head and has to be taught a few lessons in humbleness. Here's the kicker...(what a sweet pun) the protagonist (Danza) wears his garbage man uniform while kicking field goals for some faceless team of unemployed plumbers... let's call it the XFL. I could only find 4 cast members which shows the effort which went into this movie!
Tony Danza
Jessica Tuck
Art La Fleur
Al Ruscio
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Weekend at Bernies II (1/4*) 0.025/5 stars
This is what happens when you spend your movie budget on beer. This may or may not be the worst show of all times. I can't quite remember what happens because it was so long ago when I had the displeasure of viewing this speciman. A brief summary includes 2 goons having to convince people that their decaying boss is still alive. "Bernie", the boss in the Hawaiian gettup, has had a spell put on him or some shit and only he can lead people to a pirates treasure....? What the fuck? I vaguely remember him coming to life when he hears music, and the most entertaining part being when they drag Bernie behind a ski boat only to see the poor sucker fly over jumps and get air off the wake. Take a copy of this vhs tape, douse it in oil, ignite that puppy, and get the hell outta dodge!
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House * 1/5 Stars
I saw this yesterday and I'm still confused.
Show highlights do include a kid with a mullet, a stuffed marlin who comes to life, some kind of goulie creature, a pair of arabian goggles (just kidding), Nam flashbacks, and Norm from Cheers. Everytime Norm came in the shot I expected him to drink everyone in the room under the table and execute some wacky hijinx while singing the "where everybody knows your name" theme song.
My favorite quote was during a Nam flashback - "We didn't come here to fuck around." haha
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Ironhorse Beer 1/2 star
It's as if they were trying to make this beer taste horrible. This is just a disgrace to beer drinkers everywhere. The Neandrethals that made this probably enjoyed taking little late night swims, with their clothes on, in the vat of beer as it was being brewed. It actually tastes like burning.
Hits you like a balpeen hammer between the eyes, tastes like hell, and leaves you retarded for good.
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A BOY AND HIS BLOB FOR NES ***** (5/5 stars)
You remember the '80s kids... when mullets frolicked in the streets free of ridicule, the music videos with spandex and suspenders, the horrible trends; but one console game stands proud and seen... a kid... a boy even and his sidekick blob.)
The only system I have is my trusty NES and those 8 bit graphics are all I need. This game is a stroke of genius, huge ups to the producers of this unsung masterpiece. The objectives; You run around and feed a blob like creature jellybeans transforming him into various tools i.e. blowtorches and trampolines and such. You collect pirates treasure hidden below a subway (another review with "pirates gold" arrrrr matey *sean adjusts his eyepatch and peg leg*) The final conquest comes when you fly to the planet BLOBONIA and fight marshmello like creatures with a stun gun. Pure Genius
again, no guff, ***** (5/5 stars) |
Planet of the Apes *** 3/5 stars
Kinda cool show. I found a few gliches with the show however;
- monkeys can't ride horses, let alone read or speak
- no one could survive the impact when marky mark crash lands his "pod" twice during the course of the movie ... it's simple physics: approximatly
(10.7 c (c = the speed of light) approximatly 3210000000 km/h (well enough to fuck with time in flight but impossible to reach) + impact with solid ground with nothing to protect you except government plastic and metal, and a puffy jumpsuit = you imbedded into the solid rock in bits of human chunks
- I didn't like how the one female ape was always hitting on marky mark and howw they kissed at the end, I had half a mind to get the fuck outta there.
- mark wahlberg didn't sing "Good Vibrations" at any point and time
Note; my physics calculation may be off slightly ... I could use some confirmation from someone
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Little Monsters - As a kid ***** 5/5 stars
- Now * 1/5 Stars
HAHAHAHAHA I was encouraged to do a review on this so I mustered up the courage to do a little research. First of all this movie destroyed the boxoffice pulling in an incredible 800 grand. Wow, that's a shit load of money for a movie to gross! The truth is the "Little monster's" team probably spent at least half their earnings on Fred Savage's Betty Ford center bills after he turned to a life of booze because he is such a horrendous actor.(sean's note: that may be made up) This was back when it was acceptable for Fred Savage to be a SAVAGE actor cause he was still a kid. Here's a quick plot rundown .... A young boy (savage) finds that monsters (mandel) are real..and discovers their strange silly world. and umitimtly gets tricked by his new monster friend into becoming one...wackyness insues. I believe all the craziness happens underneath Savage's bed...? |
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OTHER REVIEWS
RANTING RYAN"S REVIEWS WHILE ON A RAVONOUS RIDLIN (tm) RAGE (triple word score for Sean)
Philcore's Film Critiques
"Judge dredd" - This show was dreadfull
"Hard Target with Jead Claude Van Damme" - Damme that sucked...it was pretty easy to miss this target
"Arnold Swarzenager in Total Recall"... this movie needs to not only be recalled but the producers need to be ground into cafateria beef for under privaledged kids in Historic Fort George.
"Above the law"...this movie should be against the law
"Fire Down Below"....I'de like to light this movie on fire and bury it far far below.
"Commando"....no puns needed simply watch it and be disgusted with the state of the world circa 198-
ROCK STAR (AS REVIEWED BY ADAM)
* 1/5 stars, later changed to **** 4/5 stars
Like any movie about 80's metal, one couldn't help but be excited when going to see it. I walked in, opening night, with butterflys in my stomach. "Am I cool enough to see this movie" I asked myself. After strolling into a half empty theater, I realized I must be. Now, this movie was a huge dissapointment, it had hole after hole. An american singer in a tribute band doesn't just replace a world famous singer in one of the worlds greatest bands....steel dragon. The whole movie seemed to drag on, perhaps partly because of the kids behind me. Why do people seem to think its okay to let their smelly, stinky, rotten, ugly kids go to a movie and fart and belch and just cause a ruckus. Christ, I'm trying to watch the fucking picture here. as the movie droned on, I became bored, and had to resort to dipping the cope and playing in the world series in my head. While the credits rolled, I sat there stunned, wondering how this movie could be such ass. Then, all of a sudden, I heard something that made "Sweat coome out my pores"......can you wait for it?......that's right, Marky Mark singing Good Vibrations....he even broke down some break dancing for us. As he told us that "donny d, on the back up, D-R-U-G free" I almost shit the bed. My complaint with all Mark Whalberg movies has always been that this song was not played...well he did it, and it made my day. He even reminded us that he was still"bling bling, all about the ring, still hip-hopping". This made a movie that was a 1/5 quickly jump to a 4/5, replacing Land Before Time 6 as my 4th favorite movie. Peace, I'm out,
Adam S
(Sean's note: Good work Adam but remember even the likes of marky mark can't boost an opinion that drastically)
CHARLES IN CHARGE (as reviewed by Adam)
Fox 27 has recently brought back a personal favorite of mine...Charles In Charge. I spent countless summers watching this show on PGTV and was estatic when fox brought it back, every afternoon at 4:30. Scott Biao may be the most underrated actor ever{but he did nail pamela anderson, maddonna, and heather locklear}. Anyways, this show is still a classic. I througholy enjoyed yesterdays eposide involving a wacky mixup with Charles' good friend Buddy. The only problem I have with the show is that Charles originally looked after two boys and a girl, but the later on the kids changed to two girls but the same parents. Anyways, I give the show a 4/5, and the theme song a 5/5,
Adam
PS-I want charles in charge of me!
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